Sexual shame is a pervasive and often overlooked issue that affects individuals of all genders, including men. Despite societal expectations and stereotypes that suggest men should be confident and assertive in their sexuality, many men struggle with feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy surrounding their sexual experiences and desires. Natasha Helfer, a renowned sex therapist, sheds light on this important issue and offers insights on the path to healing.
The Complex Nature of Sexual Shame in Men
For men, sexual shame can be particularly complex and challenging to navigate. Society often perpetuates harmful messages about masculinity and sexuality, reinforcing the idea that men should be sexually dominant, experienced, and always in control. This creates pressure for men to conform to unrealistic standards and expectations, leading to feelings of shame and insecurity when they fall short of these ideals.
Societal Expectations and Harmful Masculinity Norms
Men may experience sexual shame in a variety of ways, including:
- Performance Anxiety: Men may feel pressure to perform sexually, to have erections ready to go in a minute’s notice, and to meet certain expectations of pleasuring their partners. This pressure is antithetical to sexual pleasure and instead leads to anxiety, self-doubt, and fear of judgment or rejection.
- Body Image Issues: Society’s narrow definition of desirable masculine body types (i.e., six-pack abs, muscular build, tall, hairless) can contribute to body image insecurities in men. Research consistently shows that feelings of shame and self-consciousness about physical appearance are leading reasons why people experience sexual dissatisfaction.
- Emotional Expression: Men are often socialized from a young age to suppress their emotions and vulnerability lest they be seen as weak, “sissy,” or acting “like a girl.” This makes it common for men to experience shame or to be unskilled in expressing their true feelings and needs in intimate relationships healthily.
- Sexual Orientation and Identity: In a cis/heteronormative society, men who identify as LGBTQ+ may face additional layers of shame and stigma surrounding their sexual orientation and gender identity. Internalized homophobia or transphobia both contribute significantly to the ability to experience sexual pleasure and satisfaction.
- Sexual Trauma: Although public awareness is increasing regarding the realities of child sexual abuse for boys (i.e., Boy Scouts, Catholic Church scandals, family perpetration) as well as adult sexual assault, men often delay disclosure for years or even decades. They may never talk about the fact they experienced sexual trauma. There is a heightened sense of shame for men since “a man” should have been able to protect himself, or sexual behavior should always be welcome because men are seen as “always wanting sex.” These are harmful messages that leave men vulnerable to keeping their trauma secret and unresolved.
The Journey Towards Healing
Natasha Helfer emphasizes that healing from sexual shame requires a willingness to confront and challenge the beliefs and attitudes that contribute to feelings of shame. Therapy with a trained sex therapist can be a valuable resource for men seeking to explore and unpack their experiences, beliefs, and emotions surrounding their sexuality in a safe and supportive environment.
The Role of Therapy and Supportive Communities
Natasha Helfer suggests that men can also benefit from connecting with supportive communities and resources that validate their experiences and provide a sense of understanding and acceptance. Engaging in open and honest conversations about sexuality, masculinity, and vulnerability can help men to break the silence surrounding sexual shame and create a more inclusive and compassionate culture around men’s mental health and well-being.
Embracing Self-Compassion and Authenticity
It is important for men to practice self-compassion and self-acceptance as they work through their feelings of sexual shame. Natasha Helfer highlights that recognizing vulnerability as a strength, not a weakness, and that seeking help and support is a courageous act of self-care can help men to release feelings of shame and embrace a healthier and more authentic relationship with their sexuality.
Building a More Inclusive and Compassionate Culture
Breaking the silence around men and sexual shame is a crucial step towards creating a more inclusive and supportive culture for men’s mental, relational, and sexual health. Natasha Helfer believes that by acknowledging and addressing the impact of sexual shame on men’s well-being, we can begin to dismantle harmful stereotypes and expectations, and empower men to embrace their sexuality with confidence, authenticity, and self-love.